[Urgent Report from Dissociated Press, Feb. 13, 2013]
Observers from all around the planet report that last night, “unearthly groans” were heard from melting Arctic icebergs, the mouths of extinct volcanoes, and the deep cracks in the soil of drought-stricken parched former farmlands.
Most reports said the groans sounded like, “Soon, soon, soon no good. In the future, no good no good. Don’t delay, act today!”
Reporters pinned the time of these groans to about 9:40 pm Eastern US Time, which turned out to be about when President Obama was saying:
“I urge this Congress to get together, pursue a bipartisan market-based solution to climate change like the one John McCain and Joe Lieberman worked on together a few years ago. But if Congress won’t act soon to protect future generations, I will. I will direct my Cabinet to come up with executive actions we can take now and in the future … In the meantime, the natural gas boom has led to cleaner power and greater energy independence. We need to encourage that. That’s why my administration will keep cutting red tape and speeding up new oil and gas permits. That’s got to be part of an all-of-the-above plan.”
One Fox News talk-radio maestro who was vacationing in Yellowstone National Park said this morning he was stunned to hear what sounded like messages from the Old Faithful geyser. “ ‘No Tar Sands,’ it sounded like! I think the Obamacare socialists must have installed a secret microphone down there!”
Attempts on the spot to interview Mother Earth failed. But most pundits this morning said Mother Earth seemed to be focusing on Mr. Obama’s references to “soon,” “in the future,” and “in the meantime.”
One New York Times columnist wrote:
“I was wrong when I wrote the Earth was flat. It seems to have a thousand throats, and last night they were all moaning.
“Our Mother was evidently urging the President and the American people not to wait for a paralyzed Congress to prove it will not act, nor to pour still more megatons of CO2 into the air by speeding up oil and gas permits — but to begin at once taxing carbon and pouring hundreds of billions of dollars into an all-out effort.
“I would call it the Kansas-Manhattan Project for installing high-speed rail, substituting windmills for oil and gas wells on Federal land, producing advanced solar panels, and paying Mother Earth Dividends to every American to pay for insulating homes and taking public transit.”