Netanyahu Runs for US President!

Dissociated Press roving reporter consulting the future (thru crystal ball)

[This is the first article from the Dissociated Press, a new  project of The Shalom Center.  Unlike regular Shalom
Reports, the Dissociated Press seeks to report not the "actual facts" but the deeper "counter-factual" truth. Sometimes that truth is datelined from a hidden place beneath the surface of the facts, sometimes from the future (by way of a prophetic crystal ball -- see graphic above).  Often this kind of truth will read like satire. Readers can join as subscribers to the Dissociated Press by clicking here, separately from their subscription to the regular Shalom Report.]

{Washington, DC, Dissociated Press, June 3, 2011.

By Arthur Waskow, Roving Special Reporter for the Dissociated Press

Prime Minister “Bibi”Netanyahu of Israel today announced that he is reclaiming his US citizenship and will run for President in the Republican primaries.

“I was greatly moved and inspired by the 29 standing ovations I received last week from members of Congress of both political parties. They clearly  recognized the Real Deal when they saw it, and I will be calling on them all to support me in bringing the Real Deal to America,” he said. “Not the scatter-brained robber barons of the Old Deal, not the utopian-fantasy New Deal, but the muscular Real Deal.”

Flanked by Speaker John Boehner and former Gov. Sarah Palin at a hastily called news conference on the steps of the US Capitol, Netanyahu explained that he has accomplished as much as he can in Israel and wants to broaden his impact on the world.

“I have protected Israel against terrorism; I have eliminated the Muslim menace to our society; I have stimulated new high-tech capitalism amid high prosperity; I have broken up the ultra-left-wing institutions and practices the ill-begotten Labor Party imposed upon our society; and now I want to bring the same benefits to the country of my birth, the USA.


“It does not matter whether Mr. Obama was born in Kenya, wherever
that is, or in Hawaii, whoever those people are.  I was born right here
in good old America, in Northeast Philadelphia to be exact, and I have
no hesitation about providing full copies of my birth certificate to say

 “Mr. Obama’s willingness to compromise the security of Israel is
paralleled by his softness on many other issues of security for America,
despite his single success in getting Osama bin Laden,.  And his
insistence on higher taxes for the most productive Americans, combined
with his soft-heartedness toward many lazy and uneducated folk, cry out
for a new and vigorously competitive capitalism here.”

 Ms. Palin explained, “For the sake of Real Americans and the Real
Deal, I am available to help BiBi’s candidacy in whatever way possible,
whether on the ticket itself or walking door to door in Arizona.”

Reporters rushed to the offices of Rabbi David Saperstein, director
of the Religious Action Center of Reform Judaism –-  a Jewish center
that is one of the most respected lobbies in Washington. On being
informed of the Prime Minister’s decision, Rabbi Saperstein’s face first
drained of blood and then flushed. 

He said, “We are of course a religious organization, and therefore do
not support or oppose any candidate for public office. The Religious
Action Center will continue, as it always has done, to work strongly in
the Jewish community and on Capitol Hill for social justice,
environmental protection, civil liberties, and religious freedom.”

At 770 Eastern Parkway in Brooklyn, a spokesperson for the Lubavitch
Chabad Hassidic community said, “We do not take stands on political
candidates, but I can say for sure that the miraculous entry of an
Israeli Prime Minister into the US presidential campaign is another sign that the coming of Mashiach [Messiah] is very very near.”

 Political analysts disagreed over whether this astounding bombshell
in American politics would drastically change the Jewish vote, which
has consistently been very strongly for Democratic presidential
candidates. “Even if it only shifts the Jewish vote from 80-20 Democrat
to 70-30, that could shift the election in New York, Pennsylvania,
Illinois, and California,” said Wolf Bluster of CNN.

 When asked by one reporter at the hastily called news conference on
Capitol Hill what he meant by “eliminating the Muslim menace,” BiBi
responded: “In Israel, about 1/5 of the population is Muslim. They have
absolute freedom to pray as they like in their mosques, except for
occasional restrictions at Al Aqsa on our Temple mount, because it has
been the center of demonstrations and riots and because periodically we
need to reassert our unique ownership of Jerusalem. Of course we have a
constant police presence and surveillance to make sure they do not
become a fifth column. 

“We also make sure that their schools are dilapidated, their
neighborhoods receive little support for their sewage systems and roads
and other amenities. They have to invest all their energy in daily life,
with nothing left over for politics. With a much bigger  potential
problem than the US has, we have made sure there is no actual problem.

“And we have learned to use military force against Muslim
organizations that are our declared enemies, like Hamas and Hezbollah.
 As President of the United States, I will not hesitate to use full
force to protect the free world against this enemy.”

“When a reporter called out, “Do you think you can win the nomination
and the Presidency on that platform?” Mr. Netanyahu smiled. 

“Would you like to sit down with me and count those 29
standing ovations, and the numbers of Congressmembers and Senators who
stood for them?” he asked. 

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