[Dissociated Press, Washington DC, September 5, 2011. The Dissociated Press seeks to report not the “actual facts” but the deeper “counter-factual” truth. Sometimes that truth is datelined from a hidden place beneath the surface of the facts, sometimes from the future — as in the photograph of our reporter, above. Often this kind of truth will read like satire.]
By Arthur Waskow, Special Roving Reporter for the Dissociated Press
Jon Huntsman, former US ambassador to China, former governor of Utah, and declared candidate for the Republican nomination for president, today urged the Republican Party to nominate Barack Obama for president.
Huntsman spoke before a meeting of the Republican National Committee. About one-third of the RNC walked out while he was speaking, and about half the remaining members gave him a standing ovation.
Huntsman asserted that Obama has proved himself the most effective Republican president since Ronald Reagan. “To win the next election by making our Grand Old Party once again the party of the conservative center in American life, we should nominate Mr. Obama,” he said. “Let the Democrats nominate Nancy Pelosi or someone like her. The country would stand with us.”
“Look at Obama’s record,” he said. “When most Republicans were beating their heads against the stone wall of Medicare and Social Security, he figured out a way to dislodge a stone here, a stone there — weakening their foundations. And he won support in the Congress and the country to do that. Now we can keep moving step-by-step to dismantle these two socialist programs.”
“He understood that the best way to keep wages low and allow business profits to soar was to make sure that there were millions of desperate disemployed workers who were anxious for a job at any wages. So he pursued an economic program to prop up Big Banking, Big Oil, Big Coal, while keeping millions jobless.
“He patted labor unions on the head while kicking their legs out from under them. What more Republican policy could he possibly have pursued?
“Healthcare? The insurance companies should be sending him their finest brandy and cigars. He made sure they would have millions of new compulsory customers, while also making sure there would be no public alternative to challenge any shenanigans they wanted to pursue.”
One RNC member shouted to Huntsman, “What about your own candidacy?” He answered, “I would be honored to stand beside Mr. Obama and serve with him if our Party had the good sense to nominate him. Those who attack me for serving as his Ambassador to China are ignoring the profound and subtle conservatism of his policy.”
“Sooner or later,” he said, “the real grass-roots Tea Party neo-populists will realize they have nothing in common with solid conservative Republicanism, and they will join with populist Democrats instead. Those shrill demagogues in our own party who draw on the anger and frustration of the grassroots Tea Party members will find themselves abandoned.
“ If we nominate one of these shrill demagogues for president while the Democrats renominate Obama, they will win the election and we will never reemerge from the mud of slander, anger, and frustration. Who but Obama can carry forward a responsible pro-business, anti-labor policy while winning the votes of Blacks, Jews, Hispanics, and gays?”
“Our job should be, as it has been ever since William McKinley defeated William Jennings Bryan, to stand fast against populists of every stripe and their demagogic leaders, and to make sure that the great corporations that have brought such prosperity to America continue to stand strong as the spine of our society.”
After the RNC meeting, six RNC members separately muttered to this Dissociated Press reporter, “Don’t quote me under any conditions, but Huntsman made a lot of sense. Maybe we should give him a second look!”
The White House told the Dissociated Press they would have no comment on Huntsman’s proposal. “Of course we have a high regard for his work as Ambassador to China, but the future of the Republican Party is for them to explore, not for us,” said White House Press Secretary Jay Carney.
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